12. Embracing Radical Self-Acceptance in Our Writing Journey

Embracing Radical Self-Acceptance and Self-Love on Your Journey as a Writer

In this episode of the Mom Writes First podcast, host Jen emphasizes the importance of radical self-love and self-acceptance in the journey of writing and becoming a writer. She offers valuable insights into how feelings of unworthiness and self-criticism hinder growth, suggesting effective tools and exercises like thought work, viewing oneself as an ecosystem of qualities, and reflecting on oneself as a child for fostering self-acceptance. Jen also advocates for unconditional love and acceptance for one's self as a necessary step towards overcoming perfectionism, setting healthy boundaries, and creating unique work.

00:00 Introduction to the Podcast
00:24 Gratitude and Reflections on the Podcasting Journey
03:01 The Importance of Sharing Your Message
05:57 The Power of Radical Self-Acceptance
07:15 Embodying Your Identity as a Writer
08:34 The Role of Self-Love in Writing
09:49 Overcoming Self-Judgment and Embracing Growth
13:50 The Impact of Radical Self-Acceptance on People-Pleasing Tendencies
14:34 The Burden of Perfection
15:06 The Struggle of Being a 'Perfect' Mom
16:57 The Importance of Self-Love and Acceptance
17:19 The High-Achieving Mom
17:57 The Pitfalls of Conditional Self-Love
18:36 The Power of Radical Self-Acceptance
19:39 Tools for Building Self-Love and Acceptance
21:37 The Ecosystem of Our Qualities
22:41 The Power of Childhood Photos in Self-Acceptance
25:29 The Journey to Self-Acceptance
25:44 The Power of Discernment and Curiosity
26:18 Closing Thoughts and Encouragement 

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

You are listening to MomWritesFirst, the podcast that helps busy moms write. I'm your host, jen. I'm a Mama 5, a lawyer-turned-life coach, and I'm developing a habit where I write every single day. Come with me on this journey. We're going to empower each other to build the writing habit so that we can write, publish and sell our very first one. Hello, my friends, and welcome Happy.

Speaker 1: 0:26

Whatever day it is of the week that you are listening to this podcast on, I am so grateful that you are here. Honestly, I'm sitting here it's a Saturday, I'm at my office recording this podcast for you and my heart is just bursting with so much gratitude. I feel like I just have to hold it in, like hold my heart in my chest, because I feel like I'm so happy that it could just fly out of my body, even as I say that I'm opening my arms. I know you can't see me, but I open my arms and I just feel this lightness and openness and happiness and so much gratitude for everything that has happened to me as a podcaster and on this journey that I am, on this journey of life that we're all on together. Today is the 12th episode of Mom Rates First that you're listening to. What you may not know, though, is that I've actually been podcasting for about two, two and a half years now, and so I have a lot more experience than just the 12 episodes. But these 12 episodes because they are aligned with my desire to write more they just mean so much to me, so I am so grateful to be here to share this episode with you. I also am so grateful for the incredible, incredible, beautiful humans that I have met on my podcasting journey, so that includes the people that I've interviewed for past podcasts. It includes all of you, my listeners and it includes the people who I've met because they've reached out to me with questions about what it's like to be a coach, or what it's like to be a mom who's going to try to write regularly, what it's like to be a mom who's working on her first book, or what it's like to be a mom who podcasts and asking questions about podcasting, and I just got done working on a couple of little voice memos and videos to share with a friend a new friend that I just met about how I podcast, and in those I acknowledge I am an amateur podcaster. I don't always know what I'm doing, but I know it works.

Speaker 1: 2:56

For me and to me, the most important thing is that her message, my message, her message, all of our messages, whatever it is that we're trying to put out into the world as podcasters, as authors, whatever that message is, is that we have the opportunity right now because we live in an absolutely incredible time with the technology and the access and the abundance that we have to be able to put all of this out into the world and share our message with other people, because the message that each of us is bringing it's not just about ourselves, it's about what that message can do for other people. This is incredible work. This is like such important work. It's important for us as the people who are kind of out there putting the message out into the world, recording the podcast, writing the book, whatever it is, whether it's a fiction book or nonfiction book putting those stories out there. It's important for us because we grow by doing that and that growth is really important and we contribute, and our contribution matters and is important. But it is also important for the person who is going to hear it, for the person who is going to read it and for what it is going to mean to them, and I believe it is also important for the message. So it's not just about us, it's not just about the person receiving the message, but it's also about the message itself, and we are so blessed to live in a time where we can be a part of something bigger than just ourselves, simply by showing up and doing a podcast, simply by showing up and writing a book, whatever it is.

Speaker 1: 4:47

And so I just am sitting here today and I'm just filled with gratitude and I want to thank you for your support on this journey. I want to thank you so much for listening to this podcast. I want to thank you for reaching out to me on social media, finding me on Instagram at momwritesfirst, connecting with me in whatever way that we've connected. You mean so much to me and I am so glad that you are here. I really, really am Now. I have a busy day ahead of me, as I believe you probably did too. After I record this podcast, I have to head home, throw some food in the crock pot so the kids have something for dinner when they get done with all the hockey and practices and playing that they're doing today. Then I got some hockey games and then I'm so excited for this. My sister and I are headed out to see the musical Funny Face, which I am just super pumped about, and I'm really excited and grateful to have the chance to spend some quality time with her tonight, and I know you have a lot going on too, so let's get straight to the topic today, shall we?

Speaker 1: 5:57

For me, as I have shared previously on this podcast, 2024 is about truly embodying my identity as a writer, becoming the writer that I want to be, and today I want to share with you how important radical self-love and self-acceptance is To becoming whoever it is that you want to really be as a writer, whoever it is that you want to be in the future. I heard someone say once that the best teachers are students, and what I think they meant by that is that those who are learning are best able to teach because they are in it. They're in it too, they know the struggles, they know the weaknesses, they know what works, they understand when a huge achievement has been made, and that is why I am so excited to really share this journey that I'm on with you. I want to share with you what I do to step into and embody that identity as a writer, to really feel like I am a writer. I want to share with you the tools I've learned as a life coach that are going to help me along the way, that are going to help me to accomplish my goals when it comes to writing. And one of those tools, one of those ideas, one of those thoughts I shared with you last week was around this concept of embodiment how we're going to step into our identities as writers this year. That's where I'm going anyway, and I hope you'll come with me truly stepping into the identity of who we want to be as a writer, but in other areas of our life too. When we're talking about embodiment, it's bigger than a goal or a habit, and you know that I am all about goal setting and creating habits that are going to help us achieve those goals. But embodiment is bigger.

Speaker 1: 7:54

Embodiment is about taking on the identity of being a writer, embodying that identity and really allowing ourselves to become the person that we most desire to be, the person who is most aligned with those wisest and best qualities of ourselves, the part of us that is driven by love for ourself, for others, for the world around us, not by our egos, not by our fears, but driven by love. It's the person that I know that I am most in my heart, and that's what embodiment means to me. Embodiment isn't about becoming someone new, so much as it is becoming the person you were meant to be and already are, but maybe don't know how to be just yet. Embodiment is not about hustling, it's not about pushing ourselves, it's not about gaslighting, it's not toxic positivity and it is definitely, definitely, definitely not about beating ourselves up. When we're embodied, we don't call ourselves lazy, when we're tired or when we're sick or when we don't show up to write at the end of the long day. We don't hate ourselves for not showing up to write. That is not loving and it is not embodiment. Like me, I know that you two are on a journey, a journey not to just write but to become a writer.

Speaker 1: 9:38

As we step into that identity and become the writer that we really want to be, it can be very easy to fall into the trap of not loving who we are right now, of blaming our present self for not already being that version of ourselves that is in the future, that writer that we see in our mind and in our hearts. When we dislike, blame or even hate our current selves, we build a wall of judgment and sometimes even self-loathing that prevents us from actually moving forward. Sometimes my clients don't even realize that they have done this. They think that if they beat up on themselves for a mistake that they made, if they call themselves lazy for not writing when they said they would, that somehow they'll change. But never, ever, did change occur in that way. Change is an action.

Speaker 1: 10:35

As humans, we take action based on a feeling, which is always called by our thoughts. This is like basic level cognitive psychology. This is how our brains work. When we beat up on ourselves, we create a feeling like sadness or shame, and that doesn't result in us taking the kind of aligned action that is going to lead us to accomplish our goals, like writing more. In fact, sadness, shame, self-loathing those kinds of feelings often cause us to take actions to immediately feel better, to distract ourselves, like scrolling on social media, eating junk food, over-drinking, watching too much television. Those are the kinds of actions that those sorts of feelings create, and that's not the action that we want or need to take if what we want to do is reach our goal, if what we want to do is to write more, if what we want is to become that future version of our self, that future writer that we feel in our hearts that we truly are. Instead of thinking those kinds of thoughts that lead to shame, sadness, self-loathing, we need to think thoughts that are supportive and motivating us to take the action. It is so much easier to do this when we embrace the power of radical self-acceptance.

Speaker 1: 12:01

Radical self-acceptance is about embracing every bit of ourselves, what we love and what we don't, the joys, the foibles, the good, the bad, the past, the present, where we're going in the future. It's about accepting where we are and believing that, wherever we are, it's okay. It's part of the journey, it's part of the process. Radical self-acceptance is necessary for self-love, for true self-love, and radical self-acceptance is unconditional. That means that we love all of who we are and all of what we bring to the table, even the parts of us that in the past we have not liked, even the parts of us that we sometimes wish we could change. Radical self-acceptance is necessary for becoming that next version of ourselves, for growing into who we truly want to be.

Speaker 1: 13:00

In order to grow into what we really want to be, we have to stop attaching ourselves to the pain of our own judgmental thoughts about ourselves. That means, when we make a mistake with our writing, when we don't show up as the writer we want to be, we choose to doom scroll on social media instead of actually working on our writing with ourselves. We don't make it mean then that we are a bad, awful or lazy human. Instead, we approach those situations with discernment, not with judgment. We get curious and try to figure out what's really going on here. Radical self-acceptance, where love and acceptance of ourselves is without condition, allows us to do just that. On top of that, radical self-acceptance is also absolutely necessary for overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, so that we can then go out into the world and create unique work, work where we don't need other people's approval. What would you write if you knew that the criticism of others could not hurt you? What would you write if you stopped saying yes to taking on other obligations that you don't actually want to do? Imagine what you could do and who you could become. Radical self-acceptance is also necessary to allow us to create boundaries and put ourselves first, just for once. Just for once to put ourselves first.

Speaker 1: 14:34

I meet so many moms and so many women who have taken on the burden of being the perfect mom, the perfect mother, the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, whatever those perfect things even mean. They take on this burden of being perfect and in order to be perfect, they think they have to do everything alone. So they don't delegate, they don't ask for help, they try to do everything at once. They think that they have to be the mom who just had the baby, who's now two weeks postpartum, incredibly fit, and then three weeks postpartum, going back to work, opening their own business, doing all these things, showing up at all the kids' things, taking care of the baby, being a rock star at work. Doing all the things all at once because they think they have to be perfect. And they never stop to ask themselves what am I missing here? Who am I showing up for in this way and why? Why do I think I have to go to every single one of my kids' hockey games, practices, plays, musical recitals? I have to go to every single one of all of their things, even though it's physically impossible for me to do all that. Why do they think it's necessary? Why do they beat themselves up when they can't do it?

Speaker 1: 15:54

It's because they've taken on the idea that, in order to be worthy, they have to somehow be perfect, and that perfection, then, to them, is measured by an outside standard that is absolutely impossible to reach. If you've ever fallen into this spot, I want you to know I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I love you. And the answer here is to ask yourself what, within yourself, you are trying to fill or take care of by doing all these things, and I'll tell you what it boils down to. In my experience, as somebody who's studied self-development for decades, as somebody who's coached hundreds of hours, at this point it always boils down to a feeling of unworthiness. The antidote to unworthiness starts with radical self-love and self-acceptance.

Speaker 1: 16:57

So many times, the folks that I work with are these incredibly ambitious, high-performing, beautiful, amazing mothers. If you are a mom and you are wanting to take whatever it is that you're doing in the world for me writing, if you're trying to take your writing to the next level, you're going to be able to do it. If you're trying to take your writing to the next level, I'm guessing that you, too, are an incredibly capable, ambitious woman. Even if you bulk at that word ambitious, I'm guessing that you rack up achievement after achievement, you cross off task after task at work at home with your kids, with the volunteer hours at school and at sports with the kids. At the end of the day, you complete projects, you're getting it all done. You're making it all happen because, let's face it, as moms it's what we do.

Speaker 1: 17:59

But if we only love ourselves when we are achieving and succeeding, that is not love at all. We're treating ourselves like a hamster on a wheel or a rat in a maze. You have a good day if you get through the maze and you find the cheese at the end, but there are going to be days that are not good, days, where you don't get the cheese at the end of the maze, for whatever reason. There are going to be days where you don't write. There are going to be days where you can't show up to all of your kids' activities, where you just can't and as long as you like your reason for why you can't. Then I think you should be happy with that. I don't think you should feel guilty about any of those things.

Speaker 1: 18:37

But if you don't give yourself that radical self-love and acceptance that you need, no matter what you achieve, you're going to be plagued by those feelings of unworthiness. All of this goes to loving your essence and accepting without condition all that you are. So how do we get there? Well, I'll tell you one thing we don't wake up after decades of practicing relentless self-criticism and self-judgment and suddenly accept ourselves. It's baby steps, it's retraining our minds to not allow those types of thoughts to take hold in the same way, but instead approaching every situation where we feel that guilt, that unworthiness, that sadness, that shame, that self-loathing bubble up every time we feel that, recognizing it and loving ourselves anyway, acknowledging the worth that each of us has as the unique, beautiful souls that we are. There are a couple of things that I've found that can be very helpful with this. The first is to do thought work on it. So when you have those feelings coming up, figure out what the thoughts are, examine the thoughts, ask yourself if you like your reasons and if you don't like your reasons for whatever it is that you're deciding to do, whatever the result is that you're creating in this world, if you don't like those reasons, then change it.

Speaker 1: 20:05

I was just talking to another mom today who was explaining to me that she felt bad, that she couldn't make it to one of her kids' competitions that was coming up and I was like I don't feel bad about that kind of stuff. I just want you to know no judgment, no shame in the game, right, but like I don't feel bad about it, I know that I choose to live the kind of life that I live with a lot of intention. I'm proud of the life I live, I'm proud of the example that it sets for myself and for my kids. I also know it's not for everyone and I'm okay with that, but I don't think you should feel bad. Feel how you want to feel, but I don't think you should spend the time, sister, feeling bad about things. And I just want you to know, like I think you're amazing and I love you and that's why I told her and I wish I could tell that to each of us that we put so much pressure on ourselves that we hold ourselves to these unreasonable expectations and when we do that, we deprive the world and we deprive ourselves of our most best self, because we don't show up to love ourselves in the way that we need to, to allow that best self to express itself in the world through the things that we do in this world, like writing, thoughtwork, like that can be done through writing.

Speaker 1: 21:22

It can be done through verbalizing and listening back in like a voice memo on your phone. It can also be done with a coach who can hold the space for that and allow you to question some of the thoughts that come up that lead to those feelings of unworthiness. Another tool that I find really helpful in creating and building upon that self-love and that self-acceptance is the idea that as a human, we're not just one quality, we're like a collection of qualities. In that regard we're almost like an ecosystem, like the qualities that we like can't necessarily be there without some of the qualities that we don't like. And if you start to think like that, you can be more curious and less judgmental about the various qualities that may be leading you to feel some of those feelings of shame or unworthiness. The idea that we are all an ecosystem of these different qualities. The way that we show up in the world, in our different qualities have pros and cons and they balance each other out. And if we can look at ourselves in that way and not just pick on one or the other, we can come to our life from a space of curiosity that can ultimately lead us to self-acceptance and self-love.

Speaker 1: 22:37

And the third tool that I've found really helpful in working on building our capacity for self-acceptance and self-love is a specific exercise involving a picture, a picture of ourself as a small child. Here's how this works Go find a picture of yourself as a small child. Once you have that picture, set aside some time, wear your loan and take a minute, a couple minutes, to look at that picture, to really study the child in that photograph. Put yourself in the shoes of that child, look closely at their hair, at their eyes, at the way their body is moving in the photo. What do you see? What qualities stick out to you? Look beyond what you just see on the surface and ask yourself what are the qualities that that child is embodying? What do you see? Do you see kindness, curiosity, silliness, seriousness, openness, love? Do you see a child who is all the things that you have been perhaps calling yourself lately? Or do you see a child who is whole, beautiful and worthy of love simply because they exist? What is that child's essence? Write down in a journal, what you see and what comes up for you.

Speaker 1: 24:15

After you spend some time journaling on this, set aside the picture and look at yourself in the mirror Now. What do you see? Look beyond the imperfections that normally stick out to you the take-up so much of your time and energy and thoughts but instead really look at yourself. Look into your eyes. What do you see there? Look for the same qualities that you saw in that childhood photo. What essence is there Now? Journal about that.

Speaker 1: 24:57

Next time that you want to beat yourself up, next time that you think you're not good enough, next time you think you'll never reach your goals, next time you don't know what's wrong with you, reflect back to the essence that you truly are, the essence that you saw in that childhood picture. Interrupt any negative self-judgment or self-loathing by considering your essence and imagining yourself as that child, maybe even as a baby. This exercise can be particularly powerful in helping us to build our capacity for self-love and self-emphathy, both of which are necessary for that self-acceptance. And then, when the time comes and you want to change something that has happened, or if you want to make sure that you take a different action, once you are in that more empathetic place, you can use discernment and curiosity to ask yourself what happened, why didn't you show up to write today, and what you could do differently next time. Notice how this is dramatically different and more peaceful and more loving than beating yourself up. My friends, these are big changes.

Speaker 1: 26:22

If you have a picture or a thought that can help you with this, I hope you'll share them with me over at MomWrite's, first on Instagram. In the meantime, know that I love you. I'm so grateful for you. I want to support you so much on this journey. Thank you for supporting me. I'm in such a great place right now and I want to thank you for being a part of that. In case no one has reminded you today, you are a resourceful, creative, whole human being. You are not broken. You are capable. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of self-love. You are loved. Your ideas, your words and your stories matter. Keep on writing. I will see you next time.